I have been at war with my vagina. It does a lot of things I don’t like, like menstruate for over a month. It’s bad enough getting my period, but menstruating for weeks and weeks with no definite end in sight? No thanks, I’d rather amputate my own leg with a dull, rusty knife. For awhile there, I was afraid my entire pelvis was going to grow arms and legs, rip itself away from my abdomen when I’m sleeping, and slowly torture me until I die a most painful death from bleeding out. Which would be such a freaking shame, because do you even know how hard blood is to get out of sheets? Don’t even get me started on bed spreads and comforters. Let’s just say, even though I’d be dead, it’d piss me off so much that I’d rise up from the depths of Hell just to beat my rogue pelvis into submission with a giant, baseball bat-sized tampon.
For awhile there, my situation was at “nightmare status”, and then, one day, the heavens opened up and the bleeding stopped. Holy mother-f!cking-Jesus-blow-me-I-think-I’m-dreaming-cuz-I’m-not-gonna-die-by-menstruation!!!!!!!!!
All of my frustrations were not for lack of trying. I tried to keep my vagina in check, but it’s generally got a mind of it’s own. I happen to have a gyno whom I’m convinced is the coolest, baddest bitch in town, and even she felt answers were not too much to ask from my renogade va-jay-jay.
Hence my appointment today at Beth Israel’s Union Square radiology office for an ultrasound. I have spent the last day and a half willing my vagina to cooperate. I’m so exhausted from verbally abusing my va-jay-jay into submission, I can’t even consider what the damn thing is good for (a.k.a. sex, duh), because lately, I’m thinking the cons are definitely outweighing the pros in my situation. If someone asked me for my vagina right now, I’d cut it out of my body right now and hand it over.
So, after magically willing my vagina into submission, I rolled up (and by roll, I mean, like I resemble a roly-poly due to all this god-forsaken bloating) to the building, expecting to be beaten down by bureaucratic ineptitude (it seems its a reoccurring theme in my life these days), only to find that OMG! Beth Israel is not only professional, but courteous and oh-so-nice!
Now, I’ve never heard a single negative thing about the fine folks at Beth Israel’s Radiology office, but Holy-Mother-of-Jesus, it was nice to not have everything in my life involve unprofessional, I-hate-my-job-so-I’m-gonna-make-your-life-just-as-miserable hacks. Amen. All this niceness was after I thought I was going to have to cancel my appointment last minute, but they fit me in at a later appointment at 3 PM instead of 1 PM. Accommodating and nice—–pinch me, I think I’m dreaming.
And my vagina was on it’s best behavior today. The ultrasound went relatively smoothly- as smooth as it can go with someone shoving a lubed up probe into your cervix to check out all your baby-making tools, and I’ll be talking with my gyno, aka badder bitch than Betty White herself, about the results soon.
It is refreshing to not have a crummy afternoon. Too many of those going on these days.
