whatever, slutever

When you’re single, it’s kind of like whatever, slutever when people ask you about your personal life . . . At least, for me, it is.

How is it for you? (If you’re single and reading this.)

I’m pretty young, like quite young, actually, so I’m always kind of surprised when people ask me why I don’t have a serious boyfriend- and these are questions from people that know me up close. These are people who know that I live bi-coastally, am constantly moving across the country or planning/hoping to travel somewhere where I’ll hopefully be gone for weeks, if I’m lucky- months, at a time.

These people want to know why I haven’t settled on someone just yet.

I guess you could say that my life, thus far, hasn’t really been conducive to serious relationships. (Although, it appears that I’m going to be grounded in New York for awhile, so who knows now?)

I guess you could say I just haven’t found what I’m looking for.

You could say that, and it’d be partially true, because I haven’t.

Or, you could tell the whole truth.

I’m seriously guarded about my personal life. The details of who I’m dating are not something I discuss with anyone. I don’t know why, but it’s something I’m just not comfortable with I’m fiercely uncomfortable with.

I feel it’s as if the second I introduce them to my family or friends, all of sudden there’s going to be these weird expectations. Like if he’s not there at the next family function, I’m going to have answer a million questions regarding his absence. Like, if I bring someone home, people are going to start mentally planning my wedding.

Because they would. No, like I’m not kidding. They would.

Last year, when I was back in LA, there was an “on-going incident” between one of my best friend’s roommates and I, and do you want to know what she told me after she’d decided he wasn’t as hot as she originally thought? (In fact, before I’d met the man, she was definitely extolling his physical virtues to me and decided later that he was, in fact, actually an asshole, albeit an attracive one. -Let’s be real, do I really care if he’s an asshole? Nope, but then, I didn’t have to live with him.)

-You cannot end up with him, I mean, I’d be supportive if that’s how things turned out, but God, you cannot end up with this asshole, okay?

And yes, at the time, I think she meant end up, as in serious relationship. As in forever-status.

It was totally weird. When she said that, I was like, who the Hell mentioned a relationship? Jesus Christ, two people can’t have a little wine and grind and just call it fooling around anymore? It has turn into some sort of a relationship?!?!?!?

In my mind, I was like, Thank God I am headed back to New York in a couple weeks; this shit is just too much.

Before that, when I returned from my two-month stay in Greece, one of the first things an aunt asked me was, “Did you meet a man in Greece?” It was an honest question, deserving of an honest answer, but the way she asked it was like I’d be returning to Greece to get married or something.

“I met a lot of men in Greece . . . “

If you could have seen her face when I said these words, oh my, the shock would have had you rolling on the floor with laughter. My aunt, who probably knows that I, in an almost rebellious nature, have refused to bring anyone home to meet my family, apparently thought of me as the puritanically-dazed sort to fall in love just because I’ve had sex with a man.

Also, I think everyone, her included, harbors these strange hopes I’ll go off on my travels and meet some handsome, foreign man with an amazing tan and very white, Chiclet-shaped teeth. Why? Probably because that’s what they always hoped would happen to them. I feel like most of the time, people are projecting these fantasies about their own life onto mine, because I’m not yet hitched, do you know what I mean?

Or it could be that they just want me to be exceedingly happy, and they think this is what happiness equates to in my life?

Probably it’s a little bit of both, I think. I’m sure my aunts and friends want to see me happy, and they’re convinced this is how it will have to happen for me to actually be happy. (Apparently, you’re also not allowed to be happy and be single AT THE SAME TIME. The two are mutually exclusive. Didn’t you know?  )

People always tell me they imagine me getting swept off my feet into some whirlwind romance that will end with the perfect marriage and loads of babies. Which is nice of them. Or, there’s the alternative, where they think that I’ll be widely regarded as some modern day female version of Indiana Jones, who has a lover on stand-by in every country and spends her time exploring the world searching for lost treasure and shit. Which is also nice of them.

NOT I’M NOT KIDDING, BTW.

(While trying to maintain a lover in every country would be quite tiresome, I wouldn’t mind searching for lost treasure, especially lost UNDERWATER treasure. Shipwrecks? Pirates? More diving? Yessss pleasssse!)

Anyways, in other people’s minds, these are my two options in life. (Are you laughing yet? Please tell me you’re laughing at the absurdity of my life.)

Then there are the women in my life who tell me all men are assholes and expect me to concur, because I’m a feminist. Just because I’m a feminist doesn’t mean I hate men. Christ. I’ve met plenty of really, legitimately nice guys, and I’m sure other women have, too. Those just weren’t the guys they wound up dating. They were too nice and too caring and too respectful. So please, man haters, give my ears a break. There are nice guys out there, you’re probably just one of those women who has an affinity for assholes or had a particularly unlucky dating streak. All men are not the same, and it’s pretty crummy for women to say stuff like this when the majority of them take offense when men say all women are the same. It’s time for you all to “man up,” and take a little responsibility for your dating choices mistakes.

Oh, and even better! My favorite category of “relationship” people are the ones who insist on flowery romance 24/7. I’m really not one of those people who needs to be shown attention 24/7. I’m a pretty quiet person, so this outright bothers me. Roses and chocolates and box seats and fancy dinners are nice, on occasion, but I’m a little too laid back for that sort of thing. I like staying in and cooking and relaxing with someone without all the hub-bub. I like it when someone I’m dating has their own life, because I don’t want the two of us to become some sort of weird, attached-at-the-hip entity incapable of surviving a day on our own without 500 phone calls to each other. So when my friends bitch to me that their boyfriend doesn’t shower them with enough gifts or attention- and they actually have a decent boyfriend who puts a lot of effort into the relationship, I hate to be that bitchy person who tells them to shut up and appreciate that someone can even tolerate their high maintenance ways.

So you see, RogueRanters, you thought I was just me, but apparently, I am Indian Jones-gone-female with exotic lovers in every country, a home with a white picket fence and boatloads of children waiting for me, and am not supposed to date someone who doesn’t dote on me 24/7.

LOL x 1,000.

But seriously. Ugh, just writing this reminds me how much work relationships are, now that I think about it. I joke around that I’m a commitment phobe with my friends, but I’m not. I seriously haven’t met the person that makes me think I could be with them the rest of my life. If I walked out my front door and met that man tomorrow, that’d be it, and no more dating, but I’ve yet to meet that guy. Most of the time, when I’m dating someone, it’s like a temporary boredom solution. Does that make sense? Then, when I think it’s getting to that level, I break things off, because I know that person is definitely not the kind of person I could be serious with. Does that make sense? And I’m not really one of those women who wants to date 3 or 4 guys at a time. That $hit gets old, fast. One guy is quite enough for me. I know this is a bit of a rambling post, but I want to know your opinions on these things. I mean, someday, I hope I’m blessed with children and a functional marriage, but for that to happen, you kind of have to meet the right person. And sometimes it doesn’t happen in that order. Sometimes you have kids, then marriage, divorce, and THEN meet the right guy. Things like this can’t really be predicted.

And let’s be honest, the people around me aren’t exactly beacon’s of hope as far as relationships go either. None of their relationships exactly make me want to re-evaluate my life and insert another person into it. One friend has just told me that she’s been cheating on her husband with a younger man. Another is in Alabama visiting the boyfriend who- out of nowhere- dumped her, realized he was an idiot, because she was too good for him to begin with, and begged her back. Of course, she said yes. In his defense, he’s a nice guy, but kind of dead-beat-ish  and not exactly deserving of my best friend. Another friend has just informed me that the last time she had sex was on April Fool’s with her cheating ex. Not joking. One of the guys called me to tell me he and his wife were divorcing, because they decided they actually hate each other and have taken to throwing household goods across the room at each other.

All of this doesn’t make relationships seem very promising at this point in my life. Am I making sense?

So what to say when my stepmother, a notorious gossip, asks me over the phone, on Mother’s Day, why I haven’t brought home a steady boyfriend yet? (I mean, Holy Christ woman, I don’t live in Pleasantville.)

I try not to be defensive, because I’m sure people don’t mean to seem offensive, but really, people act like me not being engaged or married is something weird. I’m young.

“Well, it’s just that all your brothers have brought home pretty serious girlfriends.”

Yes, well I hate to say it, but (as much as I love my brothers to pieces) they’re generally a bunch of sod-rockets who date mostly (but not all) dubious characters anyways. Side note: I had lunch with my twin brother and his first serious girlfriend on a trip back from New York a couple of years ago, and she was practically giving him a hand-job while I’m sitting there trying to eat my enchiladas. Awkward! Who does that when you’re meeting your boyfriend’s TWIN SISTER? Really, she was dumber than a box of rocks anyways. His new girlfriend, Becky, however, is astounding, so he deserves some credit there. In fact, I told him it was a good thing he snapped her up while they’re young, because in a couple of years he’ll be bald and portly and she’ll still be pretty LOL. -And yes, my brother does find my humor revolting.

So, really, what do I say to people like my stepmother, who insist on trying to have their noses in my business, people who I constantly am working to shut out of my personal life?

I just tell them the truth.

“I move around a lot. I’m young. I’m not trying to get married right now. If I meet the right man, that will change, but for now, I’m happy as is.”

I swear to you, RogueRanters, sometimes being single feels like I’m in some sort of battle against time and the cock-eyed opinions of everyone else who swears I’m running out of it.

You feel like you’re constantly defending yourself, like you’re the last man standing on a dodgeball team and the other side has all the balls. You always have this dreaded feeling that you’re going to get pegged square in the face or something.

Seriously, the most miserable, depressed, but very attached people I know act like being single is the worst affliction in the world. (Although I have to admit, the club scene really is God-awful. I like dancing, but Hell, if I had to endure clubs on a nightly basis, I’d have been hitched ages ago just to avoid going to them. I think clubs are fun when you’re young and have a fake I.D., but it’s like one day, you wake up and realize that you absolutely hate them, and make amends to never force yourself there again. Bars, pubs, gastro-pubs, they all of a sudden become hallowed havens, refuge from the blinding bling and bad poly-rayon blends one generally finds at clubs.)

Really though, IS being single that awful? Is there something monumental that I’m missing out on? Because I think having my plates thrown at me in my own home might be a bit more tortuous.

Who knew I could be so wrong?

(I secretly wonder if that’s only reason why some stay in their horrible relationships, because the thought of being single again is too much to “bear”.)

So that’s where I’m at today, RogueRanters, wondering why people assume I should be engaged and pregnant by now. Did any of this even make sense? I’m thinking the tone of this may sound frustrated or snobby, but it’s coming from more of an inquisitive place, like Hey, this ain’t the 50′s! What’s the big deal with wanting to wait to find the right person before settling down?

‘Cause really, I don’t quite understand why so many folks finds it so puzzling that I’m not married right now. Maybe I seemed like the marrying early type? (Food for thought.)

-If you’re attached and I know you, please don’t be one of those smug people who pretends like being single is akin to having your eyeballs poked out with hot skewers. I promise not to bring up your extra-marital affairs at the dinner table. I won’t even ask why we’re eating on paper plates.

-If you’re single, RogueRanters, don’t worry that you’re the only one. I know the movies and weird people with strange romantic notions say you shouldn’t be single still; that you should have met someone in the most uncanny way (or in the grocery store!) and be having loads of sex and witty banter right about now, but I assure you, most folks I know who are in a relationship aren’t getting any and banter? It’s been replaced with death stares over the coffee pot. (Although, you should know, some people do actually have healthy relationships, and not all marriages suck, so you at least have that to look forward to, if you are wishing to get hitched eventually. Not everything is God-awful, just the people in my life are LOL. )

And don’t worry. I’m not going to say that crappy line that people always say, Oh, you’ll meet someone eventually who’s right for you. Why not? Because truth is, you might not. There, I said it. The truth we all avoid. YOU MIGHT SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SEARCHING FOR THAT SOMEONE AND NEVER FIND THEM. Shit happens.

Successful partnerships, i.e. marriage, are a bit like lost treasure, I think. You dive deep and sometimes you actually find it. Then maybe a real shitty thing happens. Pirates pilfer it right from underneath your nose. Or you get eaten alive by sharks.

But then maybe, if you’re honest-to-God lucky, sometimes, you find it and it’s everything you wished for?

Hell, what do I know anyways? I’m just a single lady split between LA and New York City.

With all this danger and peril involved, don’t you at least think you should have a little fun a long the way? Maybe a rum or two? You know, so you’re life’s not completely in vain.

It’s officially Friday, RogueRanters, so when I say have a good weekend, get laid, and read a good book,

I mean it.

Update: Mike says people think I should be married ’cause they always think I’m about five years older than I actually am.

Thanks Mike, for making my day, and calling me old . . . LOL.