To me, creepy old men at the bar are something to be avoided- much like the plague, speeding tickets, and drunk people who are known for their projectile vomiting skills (that duh, I clearly covet).

I don’t know why I find creepy, old men so repulsive. Maybe it’s the fact that I can feel their pervy eyes on me. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re old enough to be my grandpa, but feel the need to tell me what giant tits I’ve got. (It’s weird that people want to tell me things like this, because I’m like, Yeah, I know how big they are ’cause I gotta carry them around everywhere asshole.) Mostly though, I think it’s the touchy-feely actions of these over-the-hill hecklers that makes me wish I had projectile vomiting skills. Imagine if every time someone creeped you out you could just aim your mouth in their direction and yack all over them. Now that is a talent worth having. Usually I just vomit all over someone’s feet.

Like I said though, I’m not entirely positive what it is about these skeezy fogies that makes my skin crawl, but I can tell you one thing: I’m over it. I’ve been over it for awhile now. Like, I’m so over it, I’m actually posting about it, and you know that once I post about it, I’m wayyyyy over it.

And RogueRanters, you’re probably over it as well, right? I mean, you roll up to your neighborhood bar expecting to have a good time, and the next thing you know, some dude who’s so past his prime he can’t look down and see his own “feet”  is hanging all over the young women in your little “crew.”

Generally speaking, if I don’t know someone, I don’t let them touch me. Sure, sometimes folks bump into each other by accident on the street or on the subway. I don’t know why an excessive amount of alcohol and an abundance of fat, balding men all of a sudden changes the social norms. Just because there’s a lot of booze being passed around and music loud enough to make my ears bleed doesn’t mean all of a sudden it’s OK for someone I do not know and do not want to touch me to grope me. Especially if that man has an abundance of chest hair, a toupee, a couple of gold chains around his neck, or he’s wearing socks with sandals. At the bar.

But what to do when these pesky creepers start getting grabby with you? I’ve seen many a situation where a woman is entirely uncomfortable- visibly so- from some old, drunk geezer playing a mean game of grab-ass. For some reason, many women never say a thing. It’s some weird social phenomenon. She just goes on being uncomfortable, and then, whenever there’s a boyfriend or girlfriend that she arrived with, she gets angry that they don’t stick up for her.

Lesson number one: you can rarely depend on anyone but yourself to stick up for you in social situations like this, because no one wants to seem like the uptight, cold bitch who’s set on disrespecting someone who’s older. Be that uptight, cold bitch- it only takes a few seconds- and it will save you a night of the getting the heebie-jeebies. It’s disappointing when there’s no knight in shining armor to save your passive, placating, retarded-self when these things happen, I know, but most lame dudes I know who don’t say something almost always have the same defense: Oh, he’s harmless; he didn’t mean anything by it. So what if he didn’t mean anything by it. Groping from anyone, let alone some dirty sleazebag, is not obligatory upon entrance to most bars last time I checked, okay? (It is, however, more than an option if things are consensual.) As for the dudes and ladies who don’t come to your defense- you’re a grown ass woman- so start acting like it.

On a side note: I hate the whole, Oh, he’s harmless shtick. Everyone is harmless until they aren’t, you know what I mean? And no one should be putting their hands on you if you don’t want them to.

Lesson number two (which should really be number one in importance): learn to speak up for yourself, dammit! Maybe you don’t have to use words. Sometimes just leaving one side of the table and going and sitting on the other is enough for some grabby-asshole to get the picture. Don’t depend on someone else to do your dirty work, because duh, in reference to lesson number one, no one wants to seem like the “uncool” person at the bar.

Why am I bringing this up? Because recently, I found myself at the local bar, and of course, some old, fat, drunk geezer who walks around like he owns the place also seemed to think it was OK to get touchy-feely  with some of the young women there.

Of course, the young women said nothing to his face about what a disgusting creep he was. In fact, I was shocked they didn’t say anything. Then, when said creeper decided to meander outside to smoke a cigarette, the two girls turned to me and were like, ew, he is such a creep. I was like, No shit, so why didn’t you tell him to back the eff up? Why do you act all friendly if he’s a creep?

Why do I see so many women do this?

For some reason, I happen to get very lucky in these situations (but you shouldn’t rely on luck), because I always happen to meet really nice bartenders who keep the creeps at bay (for which I am forever grateful).  Not that the mentioned creep would actually do anything to me besides talk, because when he tried weeks ago outside the bar, I told him, “If you decide to so much as touch me, I will chop your hands off, tie you to the top of the bar, and then shove your own fingers so far down your throat you’ll feel the thrilling sensation of your own fingers tickling you prostate.” (Well, actually I said, “fucking prostate.”)

And since this problem seems endemic to all bars, Female RogueRanters, I am going to present you with a list of tips for getting out of the grips of old, creepy asshats (or young ones!) at Bars-You’d-Love-If-They-Just Had-Normal-People:

1. Head to the ladies room: Creeper in tow and you’re too shy to say something? Grab one of your girls and head to the bathroom to get out of the immediate clutches of some creeper.

2. No Physical or Eye Contact: If you come back from the ladies room, after, of course, gossiping to your gal pal about what a d-bag this dude is, and he is still circling you like a hawk circles it’s prey, make an effort to shoot him your best death stare and head to the opposite side of the table, bar, etc. After that, do not make eye contact. If he follows you over or proceeds to try and converse, ignore him completely. Do not acknowledge his existence.

3. Be Vocal: Let’s say he doesn’t leave you alone after you relocate and ignore his existence. Should he put his hands on you again, look him right in the eye and say- just loud enough for the others in your group to hear and get the heads up- “Do you not understand that I am giving you the fucking brush off? I tried being nice, but apparently, I have to actually state that I do not want your hands on me and I could not be less interested in fornicating with you if you were a fucking goat. You need to leave.” It’s very important to say this with a cold, dead stare in your eyes and little to no emotion in your voice. Do not be that person who stutters, be the cold, hard bitch you’re momma raised you to be.

4. If all else fails, you could be like me, and use what some of my friends call my Wednesday Addams‘ dead pan voice (I’ve never seen the Addams Family, so I’m not sure if their reference is spot on) and threaten extreme violence if provoked further. Granted, I’m a devout pacifist who would never lay a finger on someone, but he doesn’t know that. Please note: when using this method, it’s extremely important to always say it in a serious voice and then giggle slightly afterwards like you’ve just escaped from the looney-bin.

5. As a back-up: This is extra information, but highly useful as well, so I’m including it. When you leave the bar, sometimes you’re drunk and stumbling home. Sometimes you’re drunk, stumbling home, and realize that you’re being followed. And duh, you don’t have to be drunk to realize you’re being followed. As someone who has been followed so many times, just counting the episodes makes her head spin, do not go directly home, where you will probably be alone, because then some creep will know where you live. If you suspect someone is following you, stay on main roads and avenues, and take a round about route that makes absolutely no sense. What I mean by this is, walk a giant circle, because if you cross one street to head the opposite direction from where you were originally headed, and all of a sudden some creep does the same thing, chances are he did not just happen to make the same mistake as you and get his directions wrong. He’s probably creeping on you. And if he continues to creep on you, stop in at a diner or some restaurant or any place that is open and tell the person at the counter that you’d like to wait inside, because some creeper is following you. Trust me, they will be very understanding. I’ve yet to meet someone who told me I couldn’t wait in their storefront or lobby. Whatever you do, do not go home where you will be alone.

That’s all for now, RogueRanters. Given that I’m a female, I don’t have any real tips for guys trying to avoid women. Male RogueRanters, feel free to sound off and let me know if you have any tips. Ladies, be safe, assertive, and duh, have yourself a good time- sans the old wrinkly hands of a geriatric creeper.

Ok, back to posts that exude sunshine and happiness.